A day of tears...

Do you ever have one of those days, where you're just constantly on the verge of tears, and it's not PMS? I am today. It's one of those times where nothing can cheer you up and any little thing that hits you feels like a ton of bricks. I mean, it's Christmas Eve, and I can't help but mull over the events of the day. I went to work today, and right before I clocked in, I happened to notice a certain person in the restaurant. A person that used to make me happy, but now I loathe with hate from the fiery depths of hell. The last conversation that I had with this person was, ok at first, then I began to tell that person that I had moved on, and he got nasty. He said a few things that hurt. More than any physical pain could. He spoke a sentence that I hoped I would never hear, but I did, and it pierced me right through the heart, like a needle would go through cloth. Basically, it ended with my calling him a sociopathic bastard, and I told him to burn in hell. Now, it didn't come off as harsh as it could have, as the conversation took place online. I hadn't seen him since then, but today, I saw him. You could feel the tension in the air. We both knew what had happened previously and the anger that I felt and the malice that hovered around him. He shot a look at me that had daggers. I've never had anything like this hit me so hard. I think because he was such a big part of my life, and I now look back on it with pain and regret. My only hope, is that some turn of events will make it so I never have to see that monster of a man....man...he is no man...a man does not treat people with so much disregard for they're feelings....a man is actually human. He is a non-human, immature, sociopathic, beyond this earth, bonafide...pardon my french....asshole!

I think that's what really curved my day. Although, I will say, after getting all that out, I do feel a bit better. And, it doesn't help that I miss Isaac like crazy. I miss him so much that my stomach feels like it's all twisted in knots. The only thing that helps it even the slightest, is holding and squeezing the sweater of his that i have. No, it doesn't have his scent on it, but it's the thought that he wore it....he was in it. I can't wait until he comes back. He is going to get the biggest kiss ever! I love the way he looks at me, the way he holds me, just the way I feel when he's around me. I hope this lasts a really long time. But, I don't want to get my hopes up too much, I never really have that great of luck with men. Hopefully, I won't jinx it. :)

I'm spending the holidays with the family tonight. It's nice to be around them, but I feel bad for everything I've put them through. Deep down, I always feels like I don't ever really deserve to hang out with them or have them give me their hospitality. Mainly because of all the crap I put them through. There is no way that I do, or ever will deserve them as a family. There are times when I just want to dissappear from everyone. Just pack up, take Chloe and go to some new state or country. Keep to myself, because it seems to me that no matter how hard I try, I always end up messing up my relationships with people. I think that's why I have a dog. She's stuck with me forever, whether or not she likes it :).

Oh well, life goes on. I know I'll get through every thing, no matter how hard, or hopeless it seems. It'll all be fine. Things will come together, I 'll get an apartment, and a car, and hopefully, someday, I'll get everything together, and I'll have a normal life again.

Holidays....

So, I went to a Christmas party with Isaac and his parents, it went really well. I'm pretty sure his parents like me really well. His mom and I were just chatting it up about sewing patterns, and food recipes, this and that. We were all relaxing in living room after the party, and his mom and I were talking a mile a minute, and then either Isaac or his dad would chime in whenever they could get a word in edge-wise :). Isaac and his parent's are going to spend Christmas with his aunt, so I won't get to see him until New Years, so until that time, the closest thing I have to him, is the sweater he's letting me borrow while he's gone. I already miss him though.

So, my friend Jesse is coming to visit me from Virgina, only he keeps on switching the flight times on me. It's rather irritating, because I keep on having to switch my work schedule. And that's not good. I need to be readily available for my work. So, I'm trying to figure out what to do about tomorrow. Ah well, it's only 5 oclock, I'll figure something out. I can't wait until Christmas, but more so New Years. It will be the first New Years I spent with a boyfriend.

You know I wonder how many people have actually started checking this since I've started blogging again, I don't blame them for not checking it now, I used to never blog, and then I suddenly do again? I don't expect them to start checking it right away again. I think I might just send out a mass email to people letting them know that I'm writing again.

Work and life...

I started work today. Where do you ask? Surprisingly enough, it's Burgerville...again. I never seriously thought that I'd be back there again. What I would really like to do is bartend again, however Oregon laws are different, and I can't bartend here. But, for the time being, it works. There are certain employees that don't work there anymore that makes it a bit more easy.

I can't believe how lucky I've gotten to have found some one as great as Isaac. I haven't felt this way about someone in a long, long time. Unfortunately, I don't get to see him all the time. Mainly because, he lives in Albany. However, as his best friend, who happens to be my best friend also, is dating my other best friend, they both just come up here together. Like, they're doing tomorrow. I can't even begin to describe how it feels when I'm around him. Of course, to keep myself from falling hard off of Cloud Nine, I keep on reminding myself, that what I'm feeling right now, could just be infatuation, and the new-ness of the relationship. But, I can say one thing, he has made me happier than any other guy has a in very, very long time. I only hope that it lasts a really long time.

This and That...

Ok, so I went to go look at the Mercury Topaz, and that idea turned out to be a dud, however, I have a new goal, and that is, my friend John is selling me a 1979 volkswagen beetle for only 500$. I'm pretty excited. Mom and dad are offering to help me fix it up a bit. Which, of course I am very grateful for.

And, in other news...I am no longer single. His name is Isaac Swanson...he's twenty years old, and possibly the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Now, if Erin or Mary read this, you guys will probably roll your eyes....and quietly say...I give it two weeks. But, my dears, I am here to prove you wrong. I mean, I can honestly see myself with him a year from now. I've known him for almost two years, and we've always been friends in that time, but recently we've grown to more than that. And, I can honestly say, I love it. Seriously....finally a guy who isn't constantly trying to get into my pants :), which, I might add, is a very rare thing indeed. I think I finally got lucky enough to find one of the very few nice guys in this world :). We're taking it really slow. Which, in my opinion is good. I don't want to mess this relationship up, I'd be an idiot if i did that :). I mean, he makes up for me in places where I lack...like he can deal with confrontation, while I can't. The same goes vice versa....he's kinda shy, while I'm out going.

So, I had dinner at my parent's place tonight. I think I'm slowly starting to get more involved with them again. Which after the huge fiasco (i think that's how you spell it) that we had, is a very good thing. For awhile, I wasn't even really talking to my family. In fact, I avoided them most of the time. Although, they did take care of my puppy for me for a few weeks. Contrary to popular belief, parents really aren't as bad as they seem. Of course when you're living with them, that's a while 'nother story. I'm actually starting to get along really well with my mom too. I mean, we can actually sit down and have a good conversation, whether it be about boys, work, school, or just life in general. I hope Dad and I get to that point some day. I seriously look forward to the day when we can just sit down, and have a conversation, like adults, about how we both are doing. Not a situation, where...you know..."Me authority figure, you always wrong"....no lectures, no stress....just a nice conversation. Ah dreams, aren't they wonderful :)

Blogger Prison...

Ok, so if there was a blogger prison...I'd be there. Mainly for the crime of...never blogging! Which, of course I take full responsibilty for. Why I haven't been keeping up, I'm not sure.....it's been kinda crazy the last couple of months. But, so much has happened recently.

So, for those of you who don't know, I have moved back to Oregon. I know, I'm a bit surprised too, I thought I'd be in Denver for awhile. But, I missed my friends and family, and just an accumulative of things. Casing point, I'm back, and I'm living with my best friend Gwen. Her and her family have beent he greatest for letting me stay with them. In return, I quite frequently cook. Sometimes dinner, sometimes cake, sometimes cookies...most of the time it's a sugary morsel of some kind :).

Speaking of cooking, another thing that has come up, I'm going to go to Linn-Benton Community College, hopefully next term, and I am going to major in Culinary Arts, with a minor in Business. It hit me the other day. I love cooking, and I very rarely find a person who doesn't like the food I make. I enjoy doing it, and it still falls under the "art" category, so I decided, "Why not go for it?". So, needless to say, I'm going to be a chef.

Let's see...I don't have my truck anymore, for various reasons. But, good news is, is that tomorrow, I'm going to go look at a vehicle, it's a 1986 White Mercury Topaz. A friend of mine, Gerame, has the vehicle, but he never drives it, so he's going to let me buy it from him for $50. The only things wrong with it, are that it needs a new steering belt, and a new horn, other than that it's not a half bad car apparently. But, like I said I'm going to look at it tomorrow, so I guess we'll have to see then.

Oh, and I'm not sure if I told you guys this or not, but I have a dog now. She's a Jack Russel and Autralian Cattle dog mix. She is a bit hyper, and not many people can put up with her, aside from me, but she keeps me company and I enjoy having her. I need to figure out how to put pictures up again, so that youguys can see what she looks like.

I cut my hair. It's really short now. I did have my hair red for awhile, but as of tonight, it is now a dark brown, the closest I've had it to my natural color in awhile :).

As, for now, I'm going to go, and I now have constant internet abilities, so I promise, I will try to post when I have things to say :).