A day of tears...

Do you ever have one of those days, where you're just constantly on the verge of tears, and it's not PMS? I am today. It's one of those times where nothing can cheer you up and any little thing that hits you feels like a ton of bricks. I mean, it's Christmas Eve, and I can't help but mull over the events of the day. I went to work today, and right before I clocked in, I happened to notice a certain person in the restaurant. A person that used to make me happy, but now I loathe with hate from the fiery depths of hell. The last conversation that I had with this person was, ok at first, then I began to tell that person that I had moved on, and he got nasty. He said a few things that hurt. More than any physical pain could. He spoke a sentence that I hoped I would never hear, but I did, and it pierced me right through the heart, like a needle would go through cloth. Basically, it ended with my calling him a sociopathic bastard, and I told him to burn in hell. Now, it didn't come off as harsh as it could have, as the conversation took place online. I hadn't seen him since then, but today, I saw him. You could feel the tension in the air. We both knew what had happened previously and the anger that I felt and the malice that hovered around him. He shot a look at me that had daggers. I've never had anything like this hit me so hard. I think because he was such a big part of my life, and I now look back on it with pain and regret. My only hope, is that some turn of events will make it so I never have to see that monster of a man....man...he is no man...a man does not treat people with so much disregard for they're feelings....a man is actually human. He is a non-human, immature, sociopathic, beyond this earth, bonafide...pardon my french....asshole!

I think that's what really curved my day. Although, I will say, after getting all that out, I do feel a bit better. And, it doesn't help that I miss Isaac like crazy. I miss him so much that my stomach feels like it's all twisted in knots. The only thing that helps it even the slightest, is holding and squeezing the sweater of his that i have. No, it doesn't have his scent on it, but it's the thought that he wore it....he was in it. I can't wait until he comes back. He is going to get the biggest kiss ever! I love the way he looks at me, the way he holds me, just the way I feel when he's around me. I hope this lasts a really long time. But, I don't want to get my hopes up too much, I never really have that great of luck with men. Hopefully, I won't jinx it. :)

I'm spending the holidays with the family tonight. It's nice to be around them, but I feel bad for everything I've put them through. Deep down, I always feels like I don't ever really deserve to hang out with them or have them give me their hospitality. Mainly because of all the crap I put them through. There is no way that I do, or ever will deserve them as a family. There are times when I just want to dissappear from everyone. Just pack up, take Chloe and go to some new state or country. Keep to myself, because it seems to me that no matter how hard I try, I always end up messing up my relationships with people. I think that's why I have a dog. She's stuck with me forever, whether or not she likes it :).

Oh well, life goes on. I know I'll get through every thing, no matter how hard, or hopeless it seems. It'll all be fine. Things will come together, I 'll get an apartment, and a car, and hopefully, someday, I'll get everything together, and I'll have a normal life again.